Dear Alcohol Letter

Here is one of the funniest spam mails that I've receieved in the last while.

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takesplace after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from face

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above &address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

One of your many fans

P.S.
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

The Tail of Severus

I was sitting in the living room the other day and was trying to pet the kitties. They were distracted by a noise - something behind the wall unit. I had a quick look and caught a fleeting glimpse of a mouse.

The cats must have brought a mouse home. I've been saying for a while that our cats should get pets - sure enough they did! (They must;ve heard me.) Carrie and I named him Severus (which means the seventh.) His full name is Lord Severus the third.

The mouse seemed to be trapped in the sunken living room, and the cats were interested. I figured at least the cats would grab him and bring him out into the open. I even moved the futon out from the wall a bit so that the cats could get back there - this gave me a really good view of severus, walking up and down behind the couch. Waldo was having nothing to do with him - i picked her up, pointed her towards him, and she ran off for her kibble. Annie was sniffing around, she ended up walking towards Severus, who was walking towards her. He went under her, then she walked over. I gave up, and let the cats know that they weren't doing their jobs.

Later, I managed to trap Severus in the bottom of our cd holder. Then we picked the CD holder up and took it out to the patio. The trip must have shocked Severus, as when we put the holder down, he holed up and wasn't going anywhere. Then our brave cat (Annie) came in, started sniffing, then dispatched a paw in Severus direction. He let out a series of short mouse chirps, which sent Annie running! What a brave fierce cat we have.

I had to poke him a little with a stick, and he finally took off. We have'nt seen Severus since! He's probably telling all of his mouse buddies about the wussy cat's he met. Carrie's Mom figures that he was paying them off.. Carrie was thinking that Severus was dealing "nip" - "Hey man, i got some great nip - let me live in your house, and i'll hook you up." I'll look for any excuse to help me believe that my cats aren't afraid of a mouse.

Hitch - a scratched DVD

So i just finished watching the first 3/4 of Hitch - and the DVD is too dirty to continue playing. I son't mean dirty in the porno kind of way, but dirty in the damaged disc can't see the movie kind of way. Needless to say I'm pissed, and i know the movie store will try and give me a new copy of the movie - Great - as long as it plays all the way through. And what about the other 3 /5 movies i've rented there recently that didn't play all the way through. It's great that they offer to let you see another copy of the movie - but really is that enough? What about a free nother rental.

Look at me using words that don't even exist like nother.

Was really enjoying Hitch too.. funny stuff - some great physical comedy. Maybe i'll get to see it nother night.

Canada Day

Canada Day has come and gone, and with it a flurry of activity.

Had a big stack of shows before Canada Day, including walkabout performances at the RCMP sunset celebrations, walkabout at the Midway and a show or two. Canada DAy saw four shows - one of which was on Petrie Island for the Orleans Canada Day Celebrations.

I showed up at the gig - and was expecting grass or concrete. I found a stage on the sand - I was performing on a beach! Of course it was stinking hot, and the stage I was on was a metal fold out stage so essentially i was performing on a BBQ. The show went pretty well.. i sweated it up. At the very end of the show I usually eat a flaming torch, so I resoaked it and proceeded to eat it. The wind picked up and sent a lick of flame down my chin to my new "soul patch" which sizzled a bit. I tolf the crowd.. oooh i guess i don't have a soul patch anymore" everyone laughed.. it was fun. A little bit of burnt facial hair is all part of a days work.

Nick and I did a few Cowguys two man shows in Confederation Park as part of Canada DAy, Jaz Festival and Family Day. The shows were fun, Nick and I started clicking in front of the crowd, and had a lot of fun playing with some of our routines.

All told that day I was managing 5 contracts (performing at two) it all went smoothly, and I even got to have a few beers. Had one or two more than I should have.. ended up rambling on in an exhausted drunken state. Good thing they are close friends.